Home

Woke up and ran a 5k, which surprised me because I didn’t get much sleep. I went to a party in the forest last night, which was incredible and confused our Uber driver. I got to sleep around 4am, but I woke up at 9am and couldn’t fall back asleep—a run seemed like the next best option. I went to the party with two great friends who I love so much. Feeling grateful today, and also very tired.

I used to think that I didn’t like dancing, but it turns out I just didn’t like clubs. I mean, my pathetic shuffle is barely dancing, but you know what I mean. Going to clubs in the UK usually meant lots of super drunk people, and lots of blokes being a bit creepy. Californian forest parties are pretty much the exact opposite. If only I’d known that I was supposed to party in the forest.

An easy day today, mostly chores while I listen to an audiobook and hopefully a little time to work on side projects. Reading, writing, building, whatever. I’m listening back to the audio I recorded whilst hiking with Cacio yesterday and surprised at how lovely it is to go a walk with past-me. The things I didn’t really hear yesterday I get to hear now, and it feels a bit like modest time travel.

A short solo run today and then breakfast with new friends, who happen to live just a street away. I don’t think I’ve lived that close to a friend since I was in primary school and my friend Jenny lived just across the street. It’s so nice to have neighborhood friends, and these folks are good folks. We drank coffee and ate pastry whilst the children present designed word games that we could build.

Hit the trails after with Cacio and recorded a trial of a goofy podcast I’m thinking about starting, which is really meant for an audience of one (me) but I figure why not put it on the internet. It’ll be sort of like this journal in some ways, but in audio. Me rambling (with my mouth) whilst I ramble (with my feet). A spoken journal, or memoir, or something like that. Low stakes, just for fun.

The projects I’m gravitating towards lately are ones that I can fit into my life, and that don’t require a schedule. They don’t really need to end, but if they did end that would be just fine and might even seem natural. Could be one story or many. A one-off or a series. I like the idea of something that’s just a bit more organic, a little less structured. We have so much structure already, don’t we?

I’m sat here on a Friday evening with the dog flopped by my side on the couch, and I’m trying to find the perfect essay. I don’t even know what that means, really, but I know a perfect essay when I read it—and of course it changes all the time. It might be an essay on loss or on love, or one that makes me laugh in the way that I need to laugh right at that minute. It has to make me feel something.

I’ve never written a perfect essay and I never will, because who calls their work perfect? I’m sure the authors of the perfect essays I’ve read can spot all of the things that aren’t working. It’s a shame that we don’t get to relate to our own work in the way that others might, but maybe it’s necessary to keep doing that work. What do you do if you feel as though you have nothing to chase?

I’m trying to write an essay right now. One about being an amateur. About doing something for the love of it. It’s hard to write about the things that you love, actually, not least because you don’t always know why you love it. I love anything to do with audio, and I couldn’t really tell you why, it just makes my brain feel good. Maybe I should write about that? I’ll probably write about that.